How do you ask for help when you don’t know what is wrong and can’t explain why things might be wrong????

Ah!!! This is so frustrating!

I’ve been having some issues with my digestion system. I wont go into too much detail but I will say that it includes bloating, excess air and other things. I had some blood tests recently to try and figure things out and the results were…nothing! Apart from a bit too much iron (strange when I don’t really eat meat!) and a little low on Vitamin D I have no allergys, obvious intolerances, I’ve not got any kind of anything. Really frustrating! Don’t get me wrong, it is really good that I don’t have anything serious enough to show up in my blood but it is very frustrating as I know that there is something wrong with me but I just can’t figure out what it is.

I’m suspecting it may be wheat. It could also be diary, and well everything, but I think it’s wheat thats causing most problems. So here I go, eliminating Wheat entirly from my diet for a few weeks. I have tried this before, but I don’t think I did it properly, so I’m trying it again.

Of course, there is a whole other dimension to this that I haven’t really told my doctor. It could be because I used to eat very little and now I eat much more. I did try to suggest this, without actually saying it outright, but I don’t think I managed it very well. Of course it doesn’t help that I’m not underweight, overweight or have any physical sign of any problems. I tried to ask to see a nutritionist to help figure out how to go about this whole no wheat thing, but my doctor said there are very strict rules about referring patients to nutritionists and I don’t qualify (ie I’m not underweight/overweight)

Sometimes I think all this is in my head, but I’m just so frustrated and just really want to be normal. I know something is wrong with my body but I can’t work out how to fix it.

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Brain Splurge – Depression, Volunteering, and other stuff

It’s amazing how long I can lie there without thinking or doing anything, literally. I’ve been ill recently and yesterday I had to leave work early as I just couldn’t keep going. I’ve had the day off today as well (it’s a Friday so I thought what the hell) The thing is, although I have had a cold, I think what’s actually wrong is more to do with the slip back into depression. I think my cold and lack of energy/enthusiasm is more to do with my feelings of being miserable and wanting the world to go away, rather than the other way round.

I’ve never had depression in the clinical sense. It’s more complicated than that. I haven’t been to a doctor, I’ve never really discussed it with anyone but I definitely have more than just feeling sad every now and then. I get to that point where I just want to curl up in bed and wish the world away. I don’t really want to see or speak to anyone, I stop caring about my job, I go to work every day as normal, and to everyone at work I seem fine and my normal self, but really I’ve just got a smile painted on my face and wish I could just walk out the door and never come back. Which is obviously stupid, I actually generally overall love my job and the people I work with, but when I go into depressive mode that doesn’t matter, I hate everything. At its worst I’m crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason, I take my frustration out on my wrists (but not in that stupid obvious way, what I do only lasts a few days and then the signs are gone, because, despite what some people may think, I don’t want to die, I’m just horribly frustrated and need an outlet – if you are at all confused how someone can ‘cut’ with ‘cutting’ its really easy, you only need to break the first couple of layers of skin to feel the frutrsation and anger leave your body and no knife/blade etc is needed. And then afterwards there is no need to hide the scars as there are no sacrs to leave,) Reading all that back I sound really very crazy and messed up, I’m not…honest. OK, so maybe a little messed up, but not officially. No one has ever said to me ‘you ahve depression’, just like no one has ever said to me (or actually I should say no doctor has ever said to me) ‘you have an eating dissorder’ It’s really not that simple. If you know people with clinical depression what I have may seem like nothing, to me it seems like nothing compared to those who have real serious clinical depression. But I also am aware of how not normal it all is. And that’s why I am worried it’s happening again.

I just needed to write all that down somewhere, I really proberably should actually talk to someone about all of this kind of stuff. I guess I am just too afraid to actually say it all out loud to people I actually know. I don’t want them to worry about me and I don’t want to become that person everyone worried about. I’ve always been the tough one that you can rely on and that will always get through stuff.

I’ve been trying to volunteer with homeless shelters recently. It is surprisingly difficult to offer your spare time to charitable organisations. Maybe because it is coming up to Christmas they have extra people trying to give their time, but it really does seem impossible to get into. If you read my last post you’ll know that I can’t bear walking past homeless people on the street and not doing anythin. So I thought I would actually try and do something real and volunteer at shleters, soup kitchens and other homeless organisations. It turns out that that is harder to do than I thought. I’ve contact quite a lot of organisations in my area and they have all either told me they are full and don’t want/need me or just never got back to me. And now I have found another organisation and in order to just enquire about volunteering about them I need to fill in a full on job application. I’m going to do that, as I’m serious about trying to volunteer, but I’m just finding it all so frustrating! I guess they need to get rid of those people who aren’t really serious so that they have volunteers they can trust and rely on, but it really is very annoying.

You know, I’m not really sure what I want from this blog, I just keep writing as I’m thinking, which probably isn’t helpful for those reading (sorry!) but I think this is a good thing…

The need to matter or the need to make a difference

Most of the time I am happy to be different, in fact I play on it, I use it. It’s something that works well for me. I think I would probably describe myself with the following words:

  • Stubborn
  • Picky
  • Enigmatic
  • Thoughtful
  • Quiet
  • Bubbly
  • Happy
  • Depressed
  • Giving
  • Kooky

I’ve always wondered what other people would say about me. What do my friends think about me? You know those chain facebook satus’ where you ask people to put how they first met you/what they thought when they first met you/why you’re their friend? I’ve always wanted to put one as my facebook status, but I’m always afraid no-one will actually bother to reply. I know I have friends, but sometimes it feels like I’m alone. So here is another word to add to that list. Alone.

I know it’s stupid. I’m not really alone. I have friends and family, but sometimes I just find myself curled up in a corner of my room, crying uncontrollably. Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit it, there is something missing and I don’t know what it is. Maybe I need to find a purpose, a reason to be. Everyone around me seems to have always had in their head this idea of who or what they wanted to be. Me on the other hand? Not once, when I was a child, did I ever say ‘I want to be … when I grow up’. Not even once! I have never, in my life, had an actual reason to be living. I have just lived. I go from random idea, to random idea. There is no rhyme or reason, I just wake up one day and decide ‘I’m going to do this’.

This blog post is leading somewhere I am sure, I just don’t know where yet. I suppose that fits well with my life. I recently find myself desperate to do something for other people. To volunteer at a soup kitchen. I always give any change I have to those homeless people I happen to see and pass by, or sometimes I buy them a hot chocolate from Starbucks. I just can not stand to see all those people walking by, ignoring that person sitting there, blatantly really cold and depressed. I don’t have the heart to not do something, anything. Not that I can do much, I’m not exactly rolling in it myself, but I just have this deep desire to at least try.

 

An Introduction

I’m not anorexic. I’m not bulimic. I don’t have binge eating disorder. But I’m not average or normal either. And my eating habits and lifestyle choice can not be classed as normal either. But who am I and where do I fit in society right now? And then there is the other question, do I even want to fit in? I hate being ‘normal’ or ‘boring’ or ‘average’. That’s just not who I am, but is what I am the right way to be?

I suppose I should maybe explain, help you all understand the crazy world that is the inside of my brain. Not that I really understand of course, but here we go. (apologies if I tend to jump backwards and forwards, writing was never my fortay)

Ever since I was born I have had an odd relationship with food. I’m not excagerating here, there are famous stories in my family about how I refused to drink milk as a newborn baby (I most likely just didn’t like it) and how the midwife was always afraid I would be dead the next time she came to visit my mother as I didn’t gain any weight after birth the way an average baby should. And then of course there are the times I was going through certain stages with food, the time as a toddler I would only eat raw carrots for example, or when I was older (teens) the Tuna phase. But I’ve never had an eating disorder.

That last statement may not be true, not in the strictest sense. You see, this is what has been on my mind a lot lately. As I have gotten older (I’m now the grand old age of 26) I’ve heard so much about eating disorders, infact, these days it is impossible to escape the daily ‘accusations’ of eating dissorders. Magazines are always saying celebrities are too skinny/too fat, etc. And there is also much more information about eating disorders out there, the charity Beat for example is getting more prevelant and helping to change the public’s perception of what an eating disorder is (a mental illness, not some vanity project gone wrong). All of this has been making me think; do I have an eating dissorder?

The problem I have, looking at the definitions of ‘anorexic’, ‘bulimic’ and ‘binge eating’ I do not fit into any of these catergories. However, looking more closely I seem to display characteristics of each one. (I don’t feel comfortable going into this right now) Is this normal? Should I be worried? Should I go to the doctor and seek some kind of help? Should I tell someone or just ignore these thoughts? I honestly don’t know.

I also don’t know why I am writing all this down. Maybe this is an attempt to understand myself in a pulic way without revealing who I am or something. Not very articulate there, sorry, thoughts are currently pouring out of my mind and it’s all just going in here as is.

If I figure it all out I will let you know.