It’s amazing how long I can lie there without thinking or doing anything, literally. I’ve been ill recently and yesterday I had to leave work early as I just couldn’t keep going. I’ve had the day off today as well (it’s a Friday so I thought what the hell) The thing is, although I have had a cold, I think what’s actually wrong is more to do with the slip back into depression. I think my cold and lack of energy/enthusiasm is more to do with my feelings of being miserable and wanting the world to go away, rather than the other way round.
I’ve never had depression in the clinical sense. It’s more complicated than that. I haven’t been to a doctor, I’ve never really discussed it with anyone but I definitely have more than just feeling sad every now and then. I get to that point where I just want to curl up in bed and wish the world away. I don’t really want to see or speak to anyone, I stop caring about my job, I go to work every day as normal, and to everyone at work I seem fine and my normal self, but really I’ve just got a smile painted on my face and wish I could just walk out the door and never come back. Which is obviously stupid, I actually generally overall love my job and the people I work with, but when I go into depressive mode that doesn’t matter, I hate everything. At its worst I’m crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason, I take my frustration out on my wrists (but not in that stupid obvious way, what I do only lasts a few days and then the signs are gone, because, despite what some people may think, I don’t want to die, I’m just horribly frustrated and need an outlet – if you are at all confused how someone can ‘cut’ with ‘cutting’ its really easy, you only need to break the first couple of layers of skin to feel the frutrsation and anger leave your body and no knife/blade etc is needed. And then afterwards there is no need to hide the scars as there are no sacrs to leave,) Reading all that back I sound really very crazy and messed up, I’m not…honest. OK, so maybe a little messed up, but not officially. No one has ever said to me ‘you ahve depression’, just like no one has ever said to me (or actually I should say no doctor has ever said to me) ‘you have an eating dissorder’ It’s really not that simple. If you know people with clinical depression what I have may seem like nothing, to me it seems like nothing compared to those who have real serious clinical depression. But I also am aware of how not normal it all is. And that’s why I am worried it’s happening again.
I just needed to write all that down somewhere, I really proberably should actually talk to someone about all of this kind of stuff. I guess I am just too afraid to actually say it all out loud to people I actually know. I don’t want them to worry about me and I don’t want to become that person everyone worried about. I’ve always been the tough one that you can rely on and that will always get through stuff.
I’ve been trying to volunteer with homeless shelters recently. It is surprisingly difficult to offer your spare time to charitable organisations. Maybe because it is coming up to Christmas they have extra people trying to give their time, but it really does seem impossible to get into. If you read my last post you’ll know that I can’t bear walking past homeless people on the street and not doing anythin. So I thought I would actually try and do something real and volunteer at shleters, soup kitchens and other homeless organisations. It turns out that that is harder to do than I thought. I’ve contact quite a lot of organisations in my area and they have all either told me they are full and don’t want/need me or just never got back to me. And now I have found another organisation and in order to just enquire about volunteering about them I need to fill in a full on job application. I’m going to do that, as I’m serious about trying to volunteer, but I’m just finding it all so frustrating! I guess they need to get rid of those people who aren’t really serious so that they have volunteers they can trust and rely on, but it really is very annoying.
You know, I’m not really sure what I want from this blog, I just keep writing as I’m thinking, which probably isn’t helpful for those reading (sorry!) but I think this is a good thing…