I’m not anorexic. I’m not bulimic. I don’t have binge eating disorder. But I’m not average or normal either. And my eating habits and lifestyle choice can not be classed as normal either. But who am I and where do I fit in society right now? And then there is the other question, do I even want to fit in? I hate being ‘normal’ or ‘boring’ or ‘average’. That’s just not who I am, but is what I am the right way to be?
I suppose I should maybe explain, help you all understand the crazy world that is the inside of my brain. Not that I really understand of course, but here we go. (apologies if I tend to jump backwards and forwards, writing was never my fortay)
Ever since I was born I have had an odd relationship with food. I’m not excagerating here, there are famous stories in my family about how I refused to drink milk as a newborn baby (I most likely just didn’t like it) and how the midwife was always afraid I would be dead the next time she came to visit my mother as I didn’t gain any weight after birth the way an average baby should. And then of course there are the times I was going through certain stages with food, the time as a toddler I would only eat raw carrots for example, or when I was older (teens) the Tuna phase. But I’ve never had an eating disorder.
That last statement may not be true, not in the strictest sense. You see, this is what has been on my mind a lot lately. As I have gotten older (I’m now the grand old age of 26) I’ve heard so much about eating disorders, infact, these days it is impossible to escape the daily ‘accusations’ of eating dissorders. Magazines are always saying celebrities are too skinny/too fat, etc. And there is also much more information about eating disorders out there, the charity Beat for example is getting more prevelant and helping to change the public’s perception of what an eating disorder is (a mental illness, not some vanity project gone wrong). All of this has been making me think; do I have an eating dissorder?
The problem I have, looking at the definitions of ‘anorexic’, ‘bulimic’ and ‘binge eating’ I do not fit into any of these catergories. However, looking more closely I seem to display characteristics of each one. (I don’t feel comfortable going into this right now) Is this normal? Should I be worried? Should I go to the doctor and seek some kind of help? Should I tell someone or just ignore these thoughts? I honestly don’t know.
I also don’t know why I am writing all this down. Maybe this is an attempt to understand myself in a pulic way without revealing who I am or something. Not very articulate there, sorry, thoughts are currently pouring out of my mind and it’s all just going in here as is.
If I figure it all out I will let you know.